Premonition

by Somethinger

I know what this will feel like.

12 years from now
When we ‘meet up’
You’ll be with her
And I’ll be with him
And he and you will be
The awkward pals you were years ago

I’ll know you though
The slight of hand and the twist of your words
And how every word was a dreamy sound
I imagined your voice
And you imagined my feet
Why didn’t we meet?

He will then settle for a table
So you’re across or close
Do I meet your eyes or elbows
You will see the red seep in
And wish you could find a corner
To take it out
Sip it away
Lick it off

She is quiet
She is graceful and charming and well –
Quite like nothing you said you loved
She is observant of nothing
A dullard image of pristine perfection
Awash with your attention
Drowned in her assumption that
All is well, all is well
With you and your old friend and me
Who of course, you haven’t met before

Now the dinner has begun
And the memories and the chatter
Between the girls and the men
Begin to start again
‘What do you do?’
‘Do you remember?’
She watches in amusement
I mimic her expression to be part
Of the ruse you are living up to

If hearts have to be broken
Let them be ours.

Slowly the silence seeps in
Between the aridity of conversation
Between you and me
He and she are the quiet ones who
Never noticed the change in the air

I want to stomp off
Shake him
Point to you
Can’t you see?
I tell him
Can’t you see what happened?
We ruined everything
We ruined you and me
Him and her
Before we met
We ruined nights
And trust.
HA!
You fool
You empty man, you.

I sigh

Look up to see him and her
Looking at me
His brow
Her stiff lip
You lift your champagne and sip
I’m sweating and I’m dazed

Look here, I command you wordlessly
We need them to not know
Not even guess
Not even feel
Not even doubt
That there has been smoke
Without fire
And that dark, distorted desire
And dreams of uncertainty
In the last 15 minutes
Through the salad and the champagne
(I’ll sip it again)
You – do you realise?
You – look me in my eyes

I sigh.

They talk of illnesses now
And how suffering is physical and inconvenient
The worst kind, they comment

(She is looking at me though)

He is patting my knee
It’s a gesture, I want to tell you
A promise of attention
And that later tonight
As he unzips this dress
He’ll worry again
And hold me through the dark
I’ll let him

You?
Let’s leave it here.
I fold my napkin.
Good girl that I am
And intertwine his fingers
Give him the smile he loves

You sigh.

You? You have nothing of me now
Nothing I owe him
Though your knee against mine
Keeps me alive.

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