By the second
So let me confess. This upcoming Goa trip is scaring me.
It scares me to think that I’ll be there with friends who I haven’t known all that well for more than a year. We’ve hung around. But only hung around. One of them is a friend from school, who happens to be around at every epic moment I live. The rest are friends of his. Great people. Good fun. But there’s so much of indistinct talk that makes for friendship the way I see it. That isn’t there.
The way I see it, I’m heading for 5 days with people I know, to do what I want to.
Doesn’t help that I’ll also have someone back home who I will be thinking about (new addition here) but I’m still to get used to.
So what is Goa to me?
Oh it isn’t the booze. It isn’t the beaches.
Like the last time, this may be a week to finish a book as well. May be.
I hope I have enough time to sit down and introspect. About life, the way I used to. About living now and being happy doing that. About education and plans. And about things like falling in love.
I don’t seem to look at it like it’s a good thing anymore, you know what I mean? It’s like two episodes of utter disaster haven’t ruined me, but have managed to screw the only idea I used to be so sure of. Maybe it was my overconfidence in something I haven’t been through that made me feel like such a fool.
So back to Goa.
Now that’s one place where there was a sort of solitude, ever though I was with 8 of the closest people I have. The head got its space and an unfortunate dose of ‘me’ time to think things over. Like whether all that waiting and wishing was worth it. Whether everything that I was hoping for there, before there- for a good few months, was really a good thing to hope for. You know one of those things that you want in your life, maybe a person or a feeling, irrespective of whether or not they’re good for you? Yes that.
And the answer is something I saw coming all along. No. It wasn’t meant to be. I was only in denial.
Well that was last year.
This year, the people have changed, priorities have changed, and new hopes have arisen.
How long they last, however- people, priorities, hopes- depends upon a little bit of them, and a lot on me. And on how much I’m willing to not think about any.
I’m willing to see myself through this.